Polyamory is becoming more common, especially among younger Americans. It is a form of consensual non-monogamy in which partners seek out multiple romantic or sexual relationships. These relationship networks are known as “polycules” or “constellations” and can be complex and interconnected.
The recent media attention on the personal lives of the founder of a cryptocurrency exchange, Sam Bankman-Fried, and his inner circle has shone a light on their exploration of polyamory. It has been reported that they lived in a luxury penthouse in the Bahamas and were in a “polycule” network of interconnected romantic relationships.
Caroline Ellison, who served as CEO of FTX subsidiary Alameda and is Bankman-Fried’s on-and-off girlfriend, reflects on her exploration of polyamory in a 2020 post on her Tumblr blog. She suggests that the only acceptable style of poly is best characterized as something like an “imperial Chinese harem”, with everyone having a ranking of their partners and power struggles for the ranks.
This post, and the media reports about the FTX inner circle, could create misunderstandings about polyamory and polycules and further stigmatize non-traditional relationship styles. It is important to note that polyamory is relationship-focused, predicated on consent, and not strictly about sex.
In hierarchical polycules, there is usually a central relationship referred to as the “primary” relationship, with other people outside the main relationship referred to as “secondary” or “tertiary” partners. However, there are also non-hierarchical arrangements where partners are not ranked with terms like primary or secondary, and no one person has greater priority or privileges.
There is no evidence that one style of poly is better than another in terms of relationship satisfaction or attachment security as long as everyone involved consents to the arrangement. Debates about hierarchy often elicit strong opinions, and it is essential to note that the “vicious power struggles for rank” that Ellison calls for are contrary to the ethos of polyamory.
Recent studies show that consensual non-monogamy is becoming more common. It is important to recognize that Ellison’s posts more likely reflect changing relationship norms rather than sexual deviancy. It is also important to note that to those not familiar with polyamory, her post can be misread to conflate contemporary polyamory with non-consensual forms of non-monogamy and to conflate it with the legacy of patriarchal societies.
Ultimately, it is crucial to recognize that consensual non-monogamy is a valid lifestyle choice for those who choose it and should not be judged or stigmatized. There is no one “right” way to do polyamory, and any arrangement should be based on the consent and agreement of all involved.
